literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
