So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
