i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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