home. puking in laundry basket.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
