youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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