come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
