I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
