You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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