hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
