That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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