My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
