1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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