im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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