i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
