Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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