Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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