I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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