Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
