I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
