wanna go halves on a baby?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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