Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
