if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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