Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
