Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
