the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We got so high we made milksteak
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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