i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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