Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
