My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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