how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
