If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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