I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
