my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
