what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
