it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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