I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
