I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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