3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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