Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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