If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
