Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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