So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
