It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
