I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
