remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
