We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
