What did we do last night that was yellow?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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