i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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