tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
