If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
