I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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