i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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