If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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