I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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