You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
